EXTRACT FROM BOOK

The following is from the Introduction chapter by book editor, François Bretault :
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Welcome to the wonderful world of interfaith relationships, where love conquers differences, traditions collide, and arguments over which religious holiday to celebrate become the ultimate test of relationship endurance. Buckle up, because we're about to embark on a journey through the maze of Singapore's multicultural landscape, guided by the real-life stories of courageous couples, their bewildered children, and their well-meaning but occasionally perplexed parents.

In this book, we have curated a collection of personal narratives that delve into the intricate dynamics of interfaith relationships, focusing on their impact on individuals, couples, and families. Our call was for honest and poignant stories that illuminate the joys, challenges, and invaluable lessons that emerge from loving someone of a different faith.
 
The narratives presented here are authentic, first-hand accounts. They offer a window into the daily realities of interfaith couples, exploring the role of faith in their relationships, the primary obstacles they face, and the strategies they employ to bridge their differences.

This compilation is not about prescribing solutions; rather, it's a mosaic of experiences, each piece reflecting its author's unique voice. We made a conscious decision to minimally edit these contributions to preserve their authenticity. To respect the personal nature of these stories and the potential sensitivities involved, we have chosen to keep the identities of the authors confidential.

Why did we decide to tackle this topic? It turns out that Singapore, with its vibrant multicultural fabric, is a melting pot of love stories that defy religious boundaries. From the heartlands of Ang Mo Kio to the bustling streets of Little India, interfaith couples have been swapping chapati for bak kwa, temples for mosques, and prayer beads for rosaries, all in the name of love.
 
These unions traverse a complex terrain shaped by legal frameworks, religious doctrines, and societal expectations, presenting couples with a unique set of challenges. Sharing their journey is a first step in trying to provide some support for those facing similar challenges.
 
In the practice of interfaith dialogue, we keep talking about living in harmony together, accepting differences, and learning how to love people from other faiths, for a better society. But when it comes to the smallest unit of society—the family—we often find ourselves uncomfortable with the idea of two individuals from different faiths getting married. Perhaps it is time to delve deeper into why this discomfort exists.

In the pre-modern period, marriages across religious boundaries were relatively common and often unproblematic in religiously diverse societies. Islam, for example, spread to Southeast Asia through male traders who formed unions with local women, transcending religious boundaries. Similarly, Buddhism, Hinduism, and local traditions have coexisted in various places, with religious affiliations not seen as significant hurdles to marriage.
 
However, interfaith marriages can also involve crossing cultural or ethnic boundaries, adding to the perception that they can create challenges. In contemporary Singapore, where each person is officially recognised as having only one religion, crossing between faiths may seem problematic. Singapore's relative religious harmony is often attributed to careful policy and administrative planning, influenced by lessons learned from past incidents before independence. Consequently, discussions surrounding interfaith marriage may be seen as approaching Singapore's boundaries for public discourse.

Traditionally, interfaith marriages have not been encouraged, and in some countries, they are even deemed illegal. It is understandable to question the wisdom of entering into an interfaith marriage. If one's religion holds significant importance, why willingly invite potential trouble by marrying someone from another faith?

However, we must face the reality that interfaith marriages are on the rise. In Singapore, one in three marriages is an interfaith union (in 1984, it used to be 1 in 6).1 Whether we approve of it or not, many individuals choose to embark on interfaith relationships. Therefore, it becomes essential to explore ways to support these couples in overcoming the challenges they may encounter. While seeking marriage counselling is an option when difficulties arise, there is a lack of guidance specifically addressing the religious aspects of interfaith marriages.
 
Singapore's matrimonial law neatly classifies marriages into two categories: civil marriages overseen by the Registry of Marriages (ROM) and Muslim marriages governed by the Registry of Muslim Marriages (ROMM). The Administration of Muslim Law Act (AMLA) outlines the governing principles for Muslim marriages, stipulating that interfaith unions involving Muslims must be civil, as AMLA does not sanction them. Despite the legal provisions, the rarity of such marriages in Singapore is notable, standing at approximately 1 in 20 for the Muslim community. According to Abuja and Hedges (2019), “The way the Malay-Muslim identity and legal frameworks are structured implies that this community stands apart from the local discussion."2   Yet, this is merely a glimpse into the multifaceted challenges faced by interfaith couples, each journey being as unique as the individuals involved.

The obstacles faced by these couples manifest in three main arenas: rejection from their faith communities, conflicts with parents and in-laws, and internal tensions within the couple’s relationship. These challenges, however, vary across religions and are influenced by how each faith views interfaith marriages.

For instance, Taoism and Chinese folk religion see marriage more as a customary than religious event, contributing to a higher proportion of interfaith unions. Conversely, Catholicism perceives marriage as a sacrament, symbolising the unbreakable bond between Christ and his people. In such cases, the complexity of navigating religious doctrines becomes pronounced, with implications for the nature and sanctity of the marital union. For Buddhism, questions of marriage have not traditionally been of concern. Developing primarily as a monastic tradition, it did not directly concern itself with the social and familial organisation of the lay community.3

The journey to get married often begins with finding an officiant who supports the union, a task made arduous by the prevailing disapproval of many religious leaders. The choice of a place of worship adds another layer of complexity. Will their usual place welcome them? What kind of support can they find there? Who to turn to for advice?

Family dynamics amplify the challenges. In interfaith marriages, it is not just about the union of two individuals; it involves merging families and cultural backgrounds. Tensions with in-laws, threats of disownment, and conflicts over traditions emerge, often culminating in heated discussions during the wedding planning stage. Will there be tensions with family members who find certain practices incompatible, such as avoiding the couple’s home because of the presence of a dog, having altars with statues or utensils in contact with pork or alcohol?

Embarking on the journey of an interfaith family introduces a multitude of considerations that extend far beyond the enchanting moments of the wedding ceremony. As the union unfolds, numerous questions and challenges may surface, requiring couples to navigate the delicate balance between diverse belief systems and practices.

One recurring concern is the topic of conversion. It could be seen as a way to solve the problem of having different faiths, but questions may arise, such as: "Will he/she be the same person I fell in love with?”, “How sincere is this pragmatic conversion, and what impact will it have on our relationship?"

Dietary preferences might also become a focal point, giving rise to queries like, “Can I still eat pork or beef when I am with you?”, “Are we all becoming vegetarians?”

The celebration of religious festivals introduces another layer of complexity. “Can we have a Christmas tree?”, “Are you going to wake up with me during Ramadan?” Even determining a place of worship can become an issue: “Do you have to go to church every Sunday?”, “Do you expect me to go to the temple with you?”

The birth of children is another key moment in an interfaith marriage. “I want my son to be circumcised!”, “How are we going to name our child?”, “I want to baptise our child.”

Contemplating funeral rites is a solemn but necessary consideration. In times of loss, couples might ask, "Have we planned for funeral rites?”, “In the sudden event of a passing, how do we navigate the intersection of different religious practices and rituals?”, “Is the afterlife an issue for us? How do we reconcile differing beliefs about what happens posthumously, whether one believes in paradise and the other in reincarnation?”, “How does this impact our understanding of our own mortality?"

In navigating these profound questions and challenges, open and respectful communication stands as the cornerstone of a resilient and thriving interfaith relationship. It is through understanding, compromise, and shared commitment that couples can forge a path forward, honouring the rich tapestry of their diverse beliefs and creating a home where love and understanding prevail.

Through the candid and sometimes hilarious tales shared in this book by some brave individuals, we hope to accomplish a few things.

Firstly, we aim to promote understanding. Interfaith relationships can be a breeding ground for misconceptions, stereotypes, and the occasional raised eyebrow. By delving into personal experiences, we hope to challenge preconceived notions and open up a dialogue that celebrates diversity and promotes empathy.

Secondly, we want to foster dialogue. Whether you are a couple considering to embark on an interfaith journey, a child of mixed traditions struggling to find your path, or a concerned parent fearing the repercussions of your child's interfaith relationship, we want this book to be a trigger for initiating conversations and finding a common ground. After all, what better way to resolve religious differences than over a cup of teh tarik or a plate of chicken rice?

Finally, we want to provide a lifeline to those grappling with the challenges of interfaith relationships. Love isn't always a bed of roses, and when religious differences enter the picture, things can get a little thorny. If that is your situation; you are not alone. We would like to encourage you to share your experience and struggles with others in similar situations. This book can be a resource for you.

Eventually, we would also like to invite religious institutions to be welcoming and supportive of families going through this journey of life. Theological understanding aside, we are dealing with a lived reality happening in our society and impacting lives in positive or negative ways.

We hope that readers will join us in this journey as we delve into the depths of interfaith relationships, seeking to foster mutual understanding, promote deeper dialogue, and offer support to those who have chosen to embark on the path of love across beliefs.

Notes
1 Singapore Department of Statistics, 2022.
2 Juhi Ahuja and Paul Hedges, "Interreligious Marriage: Perspectives from the Singaporean Context in Relation to Interreligious Dialogue”, Interreligious Relations Issue 1 (2019). Singapore: S Rajaratnam School of International Studies, Nanyang Technological University.
3 Marriage, in Buddhist majority countries, simply follows the prevailing local customs; at the most, some may seek the blessing of a Buddhist monk after the ceremony.